I am stuck in Love
There is no other way to describe it. 4 years, 6 relationships and a broken engagement later and here I am, in one full circle.
It was a toxic relationship in the end, there's no denying it, but it was a damned good one while it lasted. We were so young, so ready to grow up that we forgot we were 15. That I was a screw up and he had no idea how to deal with me.
He loved me. He cant say he didn't. And he loved me when I wasn't lovable. He loved me at the worst time in my life, and I think that's why I'm so stuck. Why after all this time I end up falling back in love with him. Why the 6 relationships all ended, and why the engagement ended up broken.
It all boils down to him. And I don't think he even realises the half of it. Because I've always been so very good, and so very very bad, at telling him how I feel. And I don't think 'I Love You' can even cover it anymore. Because it was I love you when we were fifteen. It was even I love you forever (his words as well as mine). And I promised this, and I always keep my promises (okay, almost always). But I've run out of ways to tell him, run out of ways to chase him, so I'm not going to anymore.
I'm going to stay here - stuck- and hope he stays stuck with me.
Despite everything that happened between us, all the arguments, all the cheating, all the pain we ended up putting each other through, I couldn't not love him. I still cant not love him I guess.
Its why I end up listening to Taylor Swift most nights, and why it took me until I moved out of the house to let go of the red hoodie he gave me. Its why I've never been able to get him out of my head, ever.
Why am I still stuck in love with him? We haven't dated in forever, but somehow he worms his way back into my mind, over and over and over.
Its 6am and I've been writing all night, and I'm still stuck, so, over and out
C xo
